Happy Friday, bitch.
Things are starting to heat up as we approach the last few weeks of the regular season. We have our second set of College Football Playoff rankings, and it is unsurprisingly sparking discourse throughout social media. It seems people are struggling with certain teams being ahead of others (shocker!) and the seeding vs the ranking difference, so allow me to explain that. The top 4 seeds will likely go to the Power 4 conference champs – B1G 10 (1), SEC (2), Big 12 (3) and ACC(4) (or Mountain West if the ACC or Big 12 fall apart). So, that puts Oregon, Texas, BYU and Miami in those top 4 slots. The rankings of those teams are a bit different (Oregon #1, Texas #3, BYU #6 and Miami #9. Still confused? Yeah, me too. All you REALLY need to know is this: Boise State will get in, the Big Ten and SEC will probably have a combined 8 or 9 teams in, Notre Dame MUST win out to get in, and the ACC & Big 12 champ will likely be the solo team representing their respective conferences. Enough hypothesizing – let’s get into it.
Well this game disappointed. A divisional matchup between two rivals, two good QBs and some fun skill players, what could go wrong? Well for starters 9 of the first 10 drives resulted in either a punt or a missed field goal, so that’s pretty gross. Saquon did his thing, got like 30 carries, ran for 160 yards and 2 scores. Jalen Hurts and his fat ass continued to vulture goaline carries and touchdowns from his teammates, as he scored his 14th rushing TD in the last 2 years from within 2 yards. Painful. Speaking of Hurts, he played okay. He got to do one of his two favorite things – score via tush push from the 1 yard line, but missed out on the other – turning the ball over. He played within his means and threw for 220 yards. The Commies young rookie Jayden Daniels finally showed signs of growing pains, as he fumbled and threw in INT in his first game at the Linc. With the 26-18 win tonight, the Eagles are back on top of the NFC bEast, and have won 6 in a row.
Friday Night
UCLA @ Washington (WASH -4 T: 46.5) 9:00pm on FOX
Friday.Night.Lights. It doesn’t get better than that, trust me…man I miss high school. Anyway, this isn’t the most significant matchup in the world but it could be an entertaining one to have on in the background. Washington has been sneaky good defensively (13th in YPG, 4th in Pass YPG) this year and is up against a UCLA team that has won 3 in a row after a 2-5 start. Not a ton to analyze here, both teams favor the pass a bit, but the Huskies do have a great RB in Jonah Coleman, who’s averaging 82 yards a game and 6.1 per carry. Both QB’s are capable of throwing for 350 or 150 yards, and 3 TDs or 3 INTs, so your guess is as good as mine here. I will opt out of picking something in this game, was really just giving you guys a game to watch tonight.
Saturday Noon
#20 Clemson @ Pittsburgh (CLEM -10 T: 53.5) Noon on ESPN
Does Clemson have a chance to make the playoff? They currently sit at 7-2, and if they win out, they’d end with a ranked win over South Carolina and would likely have a date with either Miami or SMU in the ACC championship. I’m not saying there is an easy path, but there is a path nonetheless. They’ve been a bit of a mystery this year, either slaughtering the team across from them, or playing like shit and losing by 2 scores.
The Panthers on the other hand are sliding downhill quicker than a greased up pig on PCP. They’ve dropped two in a row (UVA 24-19 & SMU 48-25) and have completely removed themselves from ACC contention. More bad news for Pitt fans, as QB Eli Holstein is listed as questionable due to a head injury sustained in the UVA loss last weekend, right when they need him most. I expect this to be a fight, and personally I don’t love giving Clemson a 10 point advantage here, but considering it’s a must win for them, I’m gonna take it anyway. Tigers cover on the road.
Utah @ #17 Colorado (COLO -11.5 T: 45.5) Noon on FOX
As I live and breathe, Colorado is a 2 score favorite against Utah. Honestly I didn’t think I’d see the day, but maybe I’m a hater. Actually, I KNOW I’m a hater, but I don’t even think a Deion truther would’ve foreseen this. All props to the Buffaloes, as they have played gritty, competitive football all season, and have earned the chance to be in the Big 12 championship game. The Utes have had a disappointing season to say it kindly. To be more blunt, they suck ass. 29 year old QB Cam Rising is out for the year and was granted ANOTHER redshirt, so if we’re lucky and play our cards right, we get to watch that old man struggle playing College ball for another season. Despite the 4-5 record, the Utes are still a solid team. They have lost 5 in a row by a combined 31 points, and multiple by less than 5 points. The offense is rather anemic, which will likely be a problem in this game, as Colorado is top 10 in pass yards per game, pass play %, and completion %. This game will probably be a stinker to watch, outside of Travis Hunter making superhuman plays. I see Colorado taking care of business and covering.
Saturday Afternoon
#23 Missouri @ #21 South Carolina (USC -11.5 T: 54.5) 3:30pm on ABC
Here we go ladies and gentlemen, a fun game! (hopefully). If you haven’t watched any South Carolina football this season, buckle up. They are a rollercoaster of a team, and are just as capable of nearly upsetting Alabama as they are blowing a 12 point lead to LSU in the final minutes. Freshman QB LaChuckNorris Sellers is a tank, and looks like the reincarnation of Cam Newton (at times). He can also look like current day Anthony Richardson, where he just throws that bitch right into triple coverage. You live and die by that double edged sword if you’re a Cock fan, but the Top 10 ranked defense (in YPG, PPG) definitely helps the medicine go down a bit easier.
The Missouri Tigers on the other hand, are the kid in class that brags about getting great grades because they’re in the remedial class, and then take one AP course the next year just to get relegated back down to the ‘special class’. By comparison, they have had one of the easier schedules in the SEC this season, and have pissed down their leg at the first sign of a team with a pulse. Their two losses (@ TAMU & @ Bama) weren’t even close, losing by a combined 73-10. Asssssswhoopin! I get the starting QB Brady Cook has been banged up, but man they look dead recently. I’m gonna ride the hot hand and continue to trust Beamer and his balls. USC covers.
Nebraska @ USC (USC -9.5 T: 50.5) 4:00pm on FOX
Yuck. Stinkin Riley is seeking a much needed win here to keep his Bowl aspirations alive. If USC wants to get rid of that asshead of a Head Coach, it’s gonna cost a pretty penny, $88-$90 million to be exact. That’s approaching Jimbo Fisher levels of insanity, so they’d have to be pretty convicted to make such a financially destructive decision. So poor USC fans, I know those Californians really care about sports, especially football, so this is probably eating them alive!
Kinda crazy how bad a Lincoln Riley led team is when they don’t have a generational QB at the helm. Almost like the lack of effort recruiting other players on both sides of the ball catches up to ya, who would’ve thunk? I think Nebraska is what everyone thought they were gonna be, aside from Joel Klatt (he had them as a fringe playoff team). They sit at 5-4, 12th in the B1G 10, after dropping 3 straight games. The bumps and lumps of a true freshman QB have been more apparent in recent weeks – as Dylan Raiola has thrown 5 INTs in the last 3 games, and is struggling mightily on the road. I honestly have no idea what to expect from this game and really want to refrain from a pick here but fuck it, give me the over.
Saturday Night
#7 Tennessee @ #12 Georgia (UGA -9.5 T: 48.5) 7:30pm on ABC
The reason for waking up this Saturday. Truly an elimination game right here, as the Vols travel to Athens to take on this weird UGA team. Fun Fact: the last time Tennessee won a football game against Georgia, Barack Obama was still in office. Pretty wild right? Definitely don’t fact check that though, I swear it’s true. I will in fact be boots on the ground there in Athens for the game, and will be attending the rumored ‘blackout’ game. Someone tell Carson Beck that is NOT an open invitation to go full blackface again with the eye black, matter of fact, someone hide the eye black and comically large mouth pieces, because his dumbass doesn’t need any help looking stupid out there. Speaking of Beck, is he okay? Does he enjoy playing football? People are starting to murmur, and some are saying he is far too happy driving around that Lamborghini, and hopping on private jets to go see his super hot girlfriend, it’s disgusting. I want my QB to be so disconnected to the real world that all he thinks, eats, and breathes is football.
Not sure which version of Carson we are gonna get, 2023 accurate and composed Carson… or Lambo driving, blonde bitch bangin, blackface Carson. Either way, the Dawgs need to play better defensively in this matchup to have a chance. That brings me to the Tennessee Volunteers. They are 7-1, ranked #7 in the CFP rankings, and are potentially going to be without starting QB Nico Iamalittlebangedup&mightnotplay. Mr. Iamaleava suffered a nasty concussion last weekend Miss. State and remains questionable for Saturday, as he will likely be a game time decision. Without him, they will likely lean heavily on stud RB Dylan Sampson, who ranks in the top 10 in the nation in rush YPG (141), total TDs (20) and carries (202). Sampson is a complete workhorse, who has eclipsed the 100 yard marker in all but 1 game this season. If the Vols are without Nico, expect a healthy dose of Sampson. The biggest matchup of this game will be the struggling UGA offense against a great Top 5 Vols defense. They are Top 5 in opponent PPG (13.8) and YPG (277), and are strongest in that front 7 unit. We saw Ole Miss have a field day against the Dawgs and control that game…can the Volunteers repeat that? I say yes, but it won’t be enough. Since taking over at UGA, Kirby is 13-3 following a loss, covering the spread in 10 of those games. He also hasn’t lost back to back games since 2018. I think he gets the Dawgs back on track, UGA covers.
Kansas @ #6 BYU (BYU -2.5 T: 56.5) 10:15pm on ESPN
I stupidly talked up Kansas all last week just to pick against them. I knew they had a capable roster and talented players, but for some reason I trusted Iowa State… Iowa State??. Well, here we are again, but this time as road dogs heading into a very hostile environment. The Jayhawks are scrappy, with 5 of their 6 losses coming by less than 6 points. I think Vegas is smelling what I’m stepping in here, an upset is-a-brewin. I like the Cougars but I think they are due to slip up, too many times this year have they been bailed out or skated by, but not this week. Give me the Jayhawks to go back-to-back upsets here, blowing the Big 12 WIDE OPEN.
PrizePicks TD Scorers of the week are brought to you by Dude Wipes.
If there’s anyone who knows a thing or two about getting in the trenches & getting their butts in the (end) zone, it’s Dude Wipes.
David Montgomery – He did it last week, he will do it again this weekend against one of the worst defenses in the league. He is our Wagon.
Najee Harris – Similar spot to Monty. He covered last weekend and is playing a division rival.
Breece Hall – I really hate the Jets, they’re like the plague, but Hall is so due & up against the 30th ranked rush defense. Take his over on yards too
Nicholas Jamaal Chubb – This is fully an emotional pick. Cleveland’s Batman travels to the Paris of the South and scores, simple.
Josh Allen – He plays Pat Mahomes this week. Huge revenge game for him, I fully expect him to tote the rock around the goal line. LOVE IT
Joe Mixon – He will score, probably twice. Also take him for over 100 rushing yards. Buddy plays that wet paper defense in Dallas
Christian McCaffrey – The swiss army knife is back, and LOVES playing Seattle. He will score once, no, TWICE in this game.
NFL Quick Picks –
Jags @ Lions o45.5: Both of these defenses are bottom 5 in passing yards allowed, and I feel strongly Detroit could cover this over on their own. Goff is coming off one of the worst performances in his career and I love this bounce back spot for him. The Jags are also bottom 5 in rushing yards allowed, expect a big day for Sonic and Knuckles. For the Jags, I don’t really trust Macaroni Jones quarterbacking this team but like I said, Detroit can cover on their own.
Browns +1.5 @ Saints: I love Jameis Winston and Nick Chubb. The interim head coach bump was very real last weekend when they played Atlanta, but I’m gonna trust the better QB and better head coach here. Jameis returns to NOLA and shows off his new Lasik eyeballs.
Bills -2 v. Chiefs: Kansas City is undefeated no more! A lot of history here between these two teams and 2 QB’s. I think Buffalo uses home field advantage and gets a much needed win here, as seeing one go through the hoop (beating the Chiefs) will pay dividends come their inevitable playoff matchup. Joshua Allen is in MVP form and I think he finally climbs this mountain.
49ers -6.5 v. Seahawks: Here is a number for you – SIX. The 49ers have a six game win streak against the division rivals and in all 6 wins have covered by at least 8 every time, with a margin of victory of ~15 points. Christian McCaffrey is back and LOVES playing Seattle – averaging 115 rush yards, 65 rec yards, and 1.4 TDs per game. I also like the over here (48.5) because Geno slings it around and DK Metcalf should be back.
Texans -7 @ Cowboys: Dak is out after having season ending surgery to repair his hamstring, Mike McCarthy is about as good of a coach as he is skinny and Houston is pissed off after losing a game where they forced 7 turnovers. Bounce back game for CJ Stroud and company, and streets are saying Nico Collins might be back this weekend.
Winner: Women. More specifically Nelly Korda. Nelly is currently the #1 ranked female golfer in the world, with 6 victories in 2024 (1 Major), a scoring average of 69.2 (nice), was recently named the Rolex Player of the Year, and she earned a little over $3.6 million in winnings this year. A pretty unbelievable year for Nelly is getting rounded out with an appearance at the Annika Pro-Am tournament this week, where she is playing alongside WNBA superstar Caitlin Clark. Now, accolades are great (she’s even a Gold medalist – 2020 Tokyo Games), but to really cement your name in the history books as both an athlete and a person of influence, you must partake in something bigger than yourself. This can be in many different forms: For instance fashion, like when she was invited & attended the Met Gala earlier this year. More prestigious than the Met though, is her most recent venture. Ms. Korda was approached by Andre Laguerre to partake in the 2025 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, and let me tell ya, as a member of the #media I was granted early access, and DAMN. See for yourself here. So shoutout Nelly for her career year and her washboard abs, she’s truly a rising star.
Loser: Monkeys. Monkeys? Yeah, monkeys, specifically the 25 that have been ‘successfully recovered’ or in my words ‘captured’. If you haven’t heard, there was a successful monkey coup at the Alpha Genesis Primate Research Center in Yemassee, SC last Wednesday. As of today, Friday 11/15/24, 25 of the original 43 escapees have been ‘recovered’ and brought back to what I can only imagine is a hellacious testing or breeding lab. What the hell are they doing with all them monkeys?? According to weirdo monkey Doctors and lab assistants, “These monkeys have never been used for testing due to their young age, and they are too young to carry any diseases.” B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. You, me, and even my recently deceased imaginary friend know they’ve been shooting those primates up with all kinda drugs, diseases, and most likely the blood of Lebron James. It’s no secret King James has exhibited extraordinary sustained athleticism and longevity over the last 2 decades, and I bet there is some freaky ass billionaire out there (looking at you bald-headed-Bezos) that wants the secret to Lebron’s sauce. Jeffrey was probably trying to create his own friends in the process (see a very real quote from him below). Anyway, prior to their capture, these monkeys were spotted by multiple eye witnesses out in the wild of Yemassee, engaging in what can only be described as “Synchronized Group Dancing”. We were lucky enough to get real-life footage of the aforementioned dancing, see below.
That’s all I’ve got.
Love you guys,
TWD
