“Wow!! Did you see Timothee Chamalamadingdong on College Gameday?? He knows ball!!” Yeah, whatever, so the guy goes onto Gameday on Championship weekend, regurgitates a few MAC statistics, and goes 4-3, so what? I do that shit every week and you don’t see anyone calling me ‘Ball Atreides’. Since we’re keeping count, someone did perfectly predict the outcomes of those conference championship games and go 5-0, now who could that’ve been…… OH YEAH THAT WAS ME BITCH, I’M BACK. Shove it your ass lover boy, I am the Nissan All-Smokingeebs.
This game was mega ass (so I heard), I didn’t watch it. I wisely decided to spend my night experiencing Interstellar in IMAX, as God intended, and it was glorious. The sounds, the visuals, the acting – my goodness what a film. Anyway, the Rams won this game (hell yeah) by a score of 12-6. Gross. Brock Turdy had a big ole stinker, Deebo Shameuels hauled in 3 passes for a grand total of 16 yards (!!), and that’s about it. Less than a week ago he tweeted out the below, clearly upset he was not getting the ball enough. NOTE: Prior to this game, he was second on the team with 74 total touches. Rams get a huge win and are firmly IN THE HUNT, don’t let the boys get hot.
Shoutout Cooper Kupp for going full Tony Snell in this game, putting up goose eggs across the board; 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 touchdowns. My fantasy team in the playoffs thanks you for giving us an uphill battle.
Jeanty has a typical day at the office as Boise wins the MWC
BOIS 21
UNLV 7
Boise State, stand up and take bow my friend. 12-1 Mountain West Champs, two top 25 wins, a 1st round bye, only loss is at #1 Oregon by 3 point, and RB Ashton Jeanty has 2500 rush yards & 29 TDs. Ashton, my sweet prince, you won’t win the Heisman, but you truly should. Whether you’re right (team Jeanty) or wrong (team Travis Hunter), let’s all admit that this Heisman race has been the best in a long time. What both have accomplished this season can’t be overlooked and we should just appreciate Travis carrying his team to single digit wins and an Alamo Bowl appearance. Anyway, back to this game – it was okay. It was 21-0 at half, Jeanty had already run for nearly 150 yards and a score, and UNLV could never get anything going offensively. Not much to recap here but looking ahead, this win earned Boise the #3 seed in the final CFP bracket. Whether you like it or not, the Broncos will be on neutral ground facing the winner of Penn State and SMU.
Arizona State blows the doors off the Cyclones to earn the #4 seed
ASU 45
ISU 19
Cam Skattebo, you are my hero. I told you guys last week that he was gonna have a big day, but DAMN, I didn’t think he would do all that. 208 total yards and 3 TDs, he went nuts (had an average Ashton Jeanty game). If you watched this game, you might have the same thought I did – this team is fun and can make some noise. Now, the 26 point whooping of another 10-2 team is likely influencing my bias there, but they have a path. They will host the winner of Texas & Clemson in the Peach Bowl, and I think they can pull it off. That Texas v. Clemson game should be fun, and Arizona State is probably the hottest of all the CFP teams in the mix. QB Sam Leavitt had 250 total yards and 4 TDS, Skattebo had 170 on the ground and 40 through the air, and despite missing their top WR, they had no problem with WRs making plays downfield. Most impressive though, was the defense. They were able to force turnovers and get pressure on ISU Rocco Becht. The Cyclones did cough up 2 horrible fumbles, but ASU capitalized on both, scoring almost immediately. Looking ahead, I don’t love the Clemson or Texas matchup for them, but like I said earlier, they are HOT and will have a neutral site game where anything can happen. One of these ‘underdog’ teams has to pull off an upset, so why not the Sun Devils?
Gun(ner) violence in Atlanta results in dead Longhorns
UGA 22
TEX 19
Man, what a game (post Carson Beck death). For those who may not have watched this game for some ungodly reason, Carson Beck isn’t actually deceased, but he did suffer a serious UCL injury seconds before halftime. The elbow injury severity hasn’t been fully disclosed with the public, but at the very least it’s looking like he is out for the first game against the ND/Indiana winner. Prior to Beck’s injury, he was struggling against that #1 ranked Texas defense. They held him to just 7/13 for 71 yards and 1 INT. On the ground, the Dawgs actually had negative yards in the first half (counting the -15 Beck sack yards), posting a disappointing 59 yards total in the 1st half. On the other side, the Longhorns were rolling offensively, finishing the half with 250 total yards. “Wow! 250 yards to UGA’s 59!! They must’ve been up by 4 scores!!” Well, not exactly. Sark and his offense exhibited the finishing ability of a heavily inebriated frat guy – as they approached the end(zone), they stalled out and pissed all over themselves. In this instance, it was penalties, turnovers, and multiple missed FGs by Carrot Top look-a-like Bert Auburn, which led to a low scoring 6-3 score at the break. With Carsons injury coming at the hands of a failed Hail Mary attempt to end the half, the door opened for redshirt sophomore QB Gunner Stockton (I know, fantastic quarterback name). Gunner hadn’t played in any meaningful snaps in his years at UGA, and was suddenly thrust unit the SEC championship down 3. So how’d the young man respond? By leading the Dawgs on a 5 minute TD drive to open the half. The defense continued to pressure Ewers and slow the rush attack, giving the ball back to Stockton. UGA went on a 10-0 run to end the 3rd quarter, but Ewers connected with DeAndre Moore on a 40 yard slant to tie the game at 13. A few long drives that ended in FGs, and we’re in overtime. The Dawgs buckled up for another possible 8 OTs, but luckily the redzone yips continued for Ewers and Sark, as a FG was all they could muster. 2 UGA plays later and Gunner Stockton scrambled all the way down to the 2 yard line, getting met by the merchant of death, Andrew Mukuba, as he attempted murder on the young Georgia QB. Whether you think the hit was targeting or not, it was vicious. If you haven’t seen it, check it out here. With Gunner losing his helmet on that play, he had to come out, so the one armed hero Carson Beck came back in to hand the ball off. Dawgs score, Dawgs win.
Texas gets bumped the #5 seed and host the ACC champs, Clemson. Dawgs move up to the 2 seed and await the winner of the Battle for Indiana.
Oregon is crowned B1G 10 Champs in Year 1
ORE 45
PSU 37
Both of the late night games started looking like they were gonna be blowouts, until all of a sudden they weren’t. In this game, it started out with Dillon Gabriel slinging the brick around like he was prime Pablo Escobar. The not-so-young man had 3 TDs and 150 yards in the first 17 minutes of the game. He spread the love, as 8 different Ducks caught a ball from him in the 1st half. His favorite target though, was Ted Johnson. The slim quick WR hauled in 11 receptions for 180 yards & a score. Whenever the Ducks needed a big play, they went to 15 (he’s #15 btw). After jumping out to a 28-10 mid way through the 2nd quarter, Penn State started to creep back in. Led by QB Drew Allar, who probably played the best game of his career (20/38, 230 pass yards, 4 TDs & 55 rush yards), the Titty Lions did their best to break the James Franklin curse. Unfortunately for them, it just was too little too late. James Franklin falls to 1-14 all time against AP top 5 opponents (BIG yikes) and Penn State has now lost 12 straight to top 5 teams. To be #unbiased here I will say something nice about James Franklin now – under the lights, his head gleams brighter than Matthew Stafford’s very real not fake white teeth. He also did put up a fight, whether it was him or the will of his players, you kinda have to give credit to the man steering the ship. Allar played well, both RBs played great, and the defense made like 2 stops all game. An offensive showcase that was fun and came down to the wire, we learned that this Penn St. team is probably Franklin’s best ever, and that Oregon is human just like us. The defense will need to tighten up, but man does that offense look unstoppable right now.
Dabo and his Disciples wash away their sin; return to the Promised Land
CLEM 34
SMU 31
Our last game did not disappoint. As I alluded to earlier, this also looked like a blowout right off the bat. Clemson flexed early, forcing some turnovers and scoring rapidly and going up 21-7 by the end of the 1st quarter. Clemson QB Cade Klubnik played great, throwing for 245 and 4 scores, connecting with true freshman WR Bryant Wesco 8 times for 143 yards & 2 scores. Trailing 24-7 at the start of the 2nd half, SMU finally settled in a bit, and started to chip away at the deficit. QB Kevin Jennings threw for 175 yards and 3 TDs in the second half alone, giving Dabo a taste of resurrection as he dragged the Mustangs all the way back into the game. SMU RB Brashard Smith might be one of my favorite players going into the CFP, as he was doing EVERYTHING for that offense. Running, catching, blocking, you name it – he was doing it. He finished with 30 touches (24 carries, 6 rec) for 150 yards and 2 TDs. The Stangs were scoring at will, and tied it up at 31 with just 16 seconds left to play. Some unbelievably poor kick coverage resulted in Clemson starting their drive at midfield, and one play later they were within field goal range. True freshman Kicker Nolan Hauser stepped up, winked at Dabo and nailed the game winning 56 yarder. The victory catapulted the Tigers into the playoff, where they will travel to Texas to face the Longhorns. For SMU, they made it too, by the skin of their balls. They drew Penn State, and will have to travel to Beaver Stadium in a few weeks. The consensus worry was Bama sneaking in over SMU, but the 2nd half fight the Stangs showed was undeniable, and if the Committee of Idiots had decided to leave them out it would’ve set a horribly dangerous precedent moving forward. Luckily, they are IN and Bama is OUT, and everyone rejoiced.
The Battle for America – Navy vs #22 Army (ARMY -6.5 T: 39.5) 3:00pm on CBS
A tradition like no other, so grab your loved ones as these two staples of American camaraderie and grit face off. The Army-Navy football rivalry is like the “Old Faithful” of college sports: reliably intense, full of tradition, and never disappointing. It kicked off in 1890—back when the forward pass was a novelty, Betty White was still alive, and leather helmets were still in fashion. Since 2000, Navy’s been running the show with more wins, but this Army team enters the game ranked, 11-1, and pissed off. The military equivalent of a sibling rivalry, the game takes place in the City of Brotherly Love, which feels appropriate because there is no other city that better exemplifies the characteristics of a sibling rivalry like the city of Philly. Repressed anger, unfiltered & unnecessary straightforwardness, and deep seeded love that is concealed under the guise of bullying and verbal accosting. I have a tradition of my own, as I take the under in this game every year, because our troops line up, hit each other in the mouth, and RUN THE DAMN BALL. I will also be taking Army -6.5 because in these weather conditions, semen tends to dry out on land.
PrizePicks Props & TD Scorers of the week are brought to you by Dude Wipes.
If there’s anyone who knows a thing or two about getting in the trenches & getting their butts in the (end) zone, it’s Dude Wipes
Brock Bowers – love his receptions & yards props on Prizepicks vs the Dirty Birds on MNF.
David Montgomery – Wagon. Nuff said
Khalil Shakir – same as Mr. Bowers, I love his receptions and yards here. I think it’s a shootout in Detroit and Shakir is Allen’s #1 target
Devon Achane – 2nd on the team in receptions behind only Tyreek. LOVE his receptions against a great Houston pass rush. Tua gets it out early and often
Rico Dowdle – I know I picked the Panthers to win this game, but Dowdle is HOT right now, posting two 115+ yard performances in back to back weeks. He will score and run for over 100 yards.
Derrick Henry – the King has been quiet recently but we are approaching Tractorcito season. A big get right spot, he scores TWICE.
NFL Quick Picks – YTD 41-38
Ravens v. Giants u43.5: this is gross but the Giants suck ASS and the Ravens will run all over them. I think this is quick and swift. 28-10 Baltimore.
Panthers -3 v. Cowboys: this is the first game Carolina has been favored to win in over 3 and a half years (not a real stat). Regardless, it has been FOREVER since they were expected to win. They’ve been due to get back in the win column, I expect it to be this week.
Bills @ Lions o54.5: I stupidly took a Bills under last week, and that will never happen again. This is my Super Bowl wet dream matchup so please be a good game. Give me all the points here. PSA – if this doesn’t hit its because of the curse of the 4:25pm slot.
Steelers +5.5 @ Eagles: Allow me to preface by saying I only like this line if George Pickens is back. He’s questionable now but if he plays I like Pittsburgh to keep this close. I refuse to believe Jalen Hurts is a top 10 QB
Packers @ Seahawks o44.5: Sunday Night Football overs aren’t really the best this year but I don’t really care, so. Geno and Brett Farve Jr. here, expect turnovers. Gonna sprinkle on an anytime defensive touchdown. Points!
Falcons -4 @ Raiders: Desmond Ridder revenge game!!! The Falcons desperately need a win, Kirk desperately needs to throw a TD, I see both happening. Love Brock Bowers receptions and yards here by the way. Feed the young man!!
Well, old man Bill Belichick is BACK. The 8 time Super Bowl winning head coach is finalizing a deal to become the next Head Football Coach at the University of North Carolina. When interviewed and asked how he will handle the recruiting, the Transfer Portal and NIL, he had this to say, “The what? The fuck does N-I-L stand for? ‘Not into Lesbians?’ Because I am so you don’t have to worry about that”. In my opinion, bit of a weird move on Bills part. It’s hard to imagine him sitting across from an entitled 17 year old kid and pandering to his wishes and wants in order to get a verbal commitment that may be meaningless come signing day. Rumor says he only took the job if they fulfilled his manifesto full of requests, most notably: 1) his son Steve would be the coach in waiting & 2) he could hire Matt Patricia or any of his former coordinators to come in. It’ll be interesting to see how it plays out, but I’m intrigued. If anything, this just confirms the rumors that he’s been banging some UNC student for the last few months #congratsonthesexBill
P.S. – As the College Football Season ends, awards are given out. Obviously, Saturday night we will have a new Heisman Trophy winner, but we also have a plethora of other awards that are given out. I will be sending out an end of the year award recap on Sunday night (or Monday, idk) going over those awards and providing my unsolicited opinions. I will likely disagree with a few winners, and will provide inarguable proof as to why they are undeserving and why MY guy should’ve won, so look out for that.
Love you guys,
TWD
Say something, I dare you