I swear I’m not a FLLorida State hater, but as an unbiased ball-knower, I am obligated to make fun of them for sucking big ole donkey balls. Here are some numbers – $12 million – the overall NIL budget for the Seminoles, $2 million – the amount FSU spent on the defensive line in the offseason, 453 – the total rushing yards allowed by that $2 million defensive front in just 2 games.
Not to beat a very dead and overrated horse, but a lot of people are blaming DJ Oogiebadoogie, and rightfully so, but he’s not entirely to blame. It’s no secret the real issue is FSU getting absolutely bullied in the trenches both games so far this season, and as my mom always says, “If you can’t stop the run, might as well pack it up! Everyone knows the run opens the pass, and then you’re really in trouble.” Well said, Mom. The Seminoles better figure something out soon, and maybe that means trying someone new under center. It could be a fix we see Norvell implement as his patience thins.
What a way to kick off the NFL season folks. We got Taylor Swift, Lamar Jackson making grown men touch grass, Patrick Mahomeandauto doing that little flamboyant wrist flick thing, more Taylor Swift and an awesome photo finish. What did we learn? Xavier Worthy is really fookin fast. I mean holy shit, that end around he took to the house on his first touch looked reminiscent of Tyreek Hill. Rashee Rice has emerged as WR1 in that offense, and he’s really good at running slants, like really good. For the Ravens, Lamar lost 15 pounds and looks even faster somehow. He was making dudes miss with ease, but struggled to throw the ball downfield thanks to Chris Jones and the KC pass rush. His ability to extend plays with his legs and either find a wide open check down, or just leg it for 15 yards a pop, kept Baltimore in the game. Unfortunately, he was going up against Patrick Mahomes. A literal last second endzone catch by Isaiah Likely looked to be the end of regulation and start of overtime, until he decided to pull a Kevin Durant and wear the wrong size shoes. Bad day to be the Ravens equipment manager, as he is Likely to be blamed for what will be known as the “Worst thing to ever happen in the month of September”, per sources.
Early Slate
#3 Texas @ #10 Michigan (UT -7.5 T: 48.5)
I was really excited about this game until I realized it was a “Big Dumbass Noon Kickoff” game. Why must the Big Ten ruin such a great game by putting it at noon? Now, am I happy I have a great game to watch early in the day? Absolutely, but I can also complain about it. Anyway, I think Texas goes into Ann Arbor and hands Sherrone Moore his first loss as a head coach.
Despite Michigan having two first round talents on defense (CB Will Johnson & DT Mason Graham), I’m all over this Quinn Ewers led Sarkisian offense to put up points. I think it’s too much offensive scheming and talent for the Wolverines to handle, and with an offense that struggled to put up points against Fresno State, give me the Longhorns to win and to cover.
#23 Georgia Tech @ Syracuse (GT -3 T: 60.5)
Deucers, I present to you the 2-0, 1st in the ACC, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Don’t get a big head Tech fans, congrats on being 2-0 for the first time since 1921 (probably) but now you have to go into the Carrier Dome (I don’t recognize it as a the JMA Wireless Dome, that’s a dumbass name) and get a win. In what feels like an early trap game for the Jackets, they have to remain focused and take care of business in New York or they’ll lose that coveted #23 ranking and resort back to the old ways.
Most casuals are probably saying “Wait, GT beat FSU and they’re ONLY a 3 point favorite against Syracuse? It’s MC Hammer time.” Slow your roll, remember, FSU is basically an FCS team, and this isn’t your typically ‘7-5 with a win against Clemson’ Syracuse team, they are completely revamped. New HC Fran Brown, former DB coach at UGA, hit the transfer portal hard and brought in talent from across the country. Bringing in a handful of SEC talent (2 UGA, 1 Bama, 2 TAMU players) and former Ohio State QB Kyle McCord, this is a solid roster. I have faith in the Jackets, but personally I am leaning towards taking the under 60.5 here. I foresee a slow competitive game. P.S. speaking of Syracuse, remember when Jim Boeheim killed a guy? Yeah, I member.
Afternoon
Iowa State @ #21 Iowa (Iowa -3 T:35.5)
The battle of the corn. I am not watching this game. Take the under.
South Carolina @ Kentucky (UK -8.5 T: 42.5)
Beamer ball baby. This is sorta kinda a prove it game for the Cocks. Going into Lexington, horse capital of the world, USC has to get the offense rolling. Led by goggles wearing QB LaNorris Sellers, who is coming off a HUGE game in week 1 (10/24 115 yards 0 TDs) the Gamecocks are desperate for a conference win. Kentucky is led by former UGA QB Brock Vandagriff and WR Ja’Mori Maclin (son of longtime NFL WR Jeremy Maclin). Both of these teams have fresh rosters and are yet to be tested, so your guess is as good as mine here. I just hope both teams have fun!
Night Slate
#14 Tennessee @ #24 NC State (Tenn -10 T: 60.5)
Here is one of your fun night games you sickos. I don’t really think NC State is particularly good, but ‘they’re ranked!’ so here we are. Some fun guys to watch here: NC St. sophomore WR Kevin Concepcion and Tennessee true freshman QB Nico Iamaleava (no I didn’t have to spell check that, I’m the goat). Concepcion comes off an incredible freshman year, leading the team in yards and receptions, earning Freshman All-American honors and winning ACC Rookie and Offensive player of the year. As for Nico, the kid is just a baller. Cool as the other side of the pillow, he’s a genetic freak with a rocket launcher for an arm. His growth will be fun to watch this year in an offense that will look to milk his talent to the bone. Tennessee wins and covers.
Colorado @ Nebraska (Neb -7 T: 56.5)
Deion and the Buffs travel to Lincoln in their first real test of the season. Patrick Mahomes wannabe Dylan Raiola quarterbacks the Cornhuskers and has to be salivating after watching NDSU run and pass all over that sorry ass defense. This game should be really fun; Shadeur will throw it 50 times, Travis Hunter will continue to push the limits of what the human body is capable of (pause), and the over will be smashed. The best QB battle of the day should not disappoint.
- Winner: Los Angeles Chargers. As the NFL season kicks off, we get finalized rosters. You might be asking yourself, “What the hell does that have to do with the Chargers?” well how about you sit down and shut up.
Meet Scott Matlock, former Boise State Bronco, this beautiful man was just named as the Los Angeles Chargers starting fullback. Nothing out of the norm there, right? Wrong. He’s 6’4 300 pounds of pure piss and vinegar. The former 6th round pick caught Jimmy Harbaughs eye in training camp, and was immediately moved from backup DT to starting FB. It’s pretty clear Jim has a run-first approach heading into Week 1, using the Ginger Giant as his battering ram.
2. Loser: Taylor Swift haters. Sorry most men aged 16-55, but just as the NFL returns, so does T-Swift. Despite her unassuming, early onset Librarian appearance, she remains the most famous woman in the world (aside from my queen, Oprah).Gear up haters, it’s gonna be a long year full of a lot of Chiefs primetime games. That means more Taylor, more private jet trips, more harmful emissions. While Travis Kelce looks to cement himself as one of, if not the greatest tight end of all time this season, Taylor looks to accomplish a much greater feat, becoming the world leader in carbon emissions for the 8th straight year. You can do it Taylor!
3. Winner: Vanderbilt football. Holy shitttttt they are so back! Well, I missed this in Tuesdays post, but Vanderbilt football has WON A GAME. And no, it wasn’t against an FCS opponent. The Commodores hosted the ‘ACC Darkhorse’ Virginia Tech Hokies and gave them the biznesssss. Not really, but they scored more points than VT, and that’s all that matters. Some are saying they might never lose again. Keep your eyes on this Vandy team, they may surprise you and win another game this season.
Lady (shoutout Jessica Alba) and gentlemen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We are so back. 5 consecutive days of Football. Let’s remember those hot summer days where we were reluctantly watching Tuesday afternoon MLB games, just closing our eyes and picturing this very moment. Embrace it, enjoy it, and most importantly make it your entirely personality for the next 5 months, I know I will.
Here is this weeks featured meme, which is coincidentally an allegory of my impending weekend.
Love you guys,
TWD
