Gingers are all the way back. Andrew Gregory Dalton, Samuel Richard Darnold and Scott Thompson are single handedly carrying the recessive trait on their pale likely-freckled shoulders. “Scott Thompson? Who the hell is Scott Thompson?” – you, probably. Better known as Carrot Top, the famous comedian just had his Las Vegas residency extended through 2030, making it a full 25 years by the time his deal runs out. The 59 year old comedian has done more for gingers than most, as he has been the pinnacle example that despite your physical and personal shortcomings, you can still be successfully made fun of for nearly 6 decades. So thanks, Scott, for taking it on the chin all these years, you can rest now as Andy and Sam have taken the league by storm. Let’s check it out.
7 games in the 1pm window, 5 in the afternoon, and 2 games last night to wrap up out Monday. That’s a BOOOOOM.
Vikings 34 Texans 7: SKOL SKOL SKOL SKOL. I’ve said it once and I’ll keep saying it bitchhhhhh, Sam Darnold is your 2024-2025 MVP. Now, before you reply guys come for my neck, I realize he didn’t exactly ‘go crazy’ by any means, (17-28, 181, 4 TDs) but he did three things very well. 1) He was efficient and did not turn the ball over 2) Samuel Gregory threw some beautiful balls (pause) resulting in 4 TDs and 3) My sweet Prince Sam moves to 3-0, all while BEING YOUNGER THAN JOE BURROW. Yes, that is a real fact, go ahead and google it nerds. Back to this game – CJ Stroud was bothered all day, Vikings DC Brian Flores had that guy in hell all game. Whether it was bringing hidden pressures, disguising coverages, or telling his players to tell CJ they think his braids make him look like that one girl from the Polar Express, it worked. CJ threw 2 INT’s and couldn’t find a rhythm, and when facing an elite (future) Super Bowl winning QB, you can’t afford those kinds of mistakes.
Ravens 28 Cowboys 25: Dallas fans, oof, how we feeling? Is Dakota still the guy? You gave him $231M guaranteed and he can’t seem to find a way to get the ball to his $140M All-Pro WR, Ceedee Lamb (4-67-0TDs). Dak did find a way to make this whomping look less so, by back door covering the spread and scoring 19 4Q points. For the Ravens, they nearly blew another double digit second half lead but LaMVP looked like he was in mid season form, running all over the Boys and ending the game with 2 huge 1st down conversions. Speaking of running all over the Cowboys, EL TRACTORCITO is so back. Derrick Henry looks unbelievably scary in that Ravens purple and black, and Mr. King was unstoppable (25 carries for 151 yards and 2 TDs). When the Ravens realize they have Derrick Henry and Lamar in the backfield and just run downhill, they win games, simple as that.
Panthers 36 Raiders 22: Andrew Gregory Dalton. The prince who was promised has returned, and boy was it glorious. The Carolina Panthers have won a game, and mannnn do I (kinda) feel bad for Bryce Young. I think we (those with two working eyes and a functioning brain) all knew the Panthers had a better chance at winning a game with Dalton at the helm, but I didn’t expect it to actually happen. Poor Bryce Young man, he gets benched, the backup goes crazy and WINS the game, and then his girl cheats on him with NBA All-Star Tyrese Maxey, yikes. Anyway, here are some facts: Andy Dalton is the first QB this season to throw for 300+ yards and 3 TD’s in a game. Andy is also the first QB to win a game for the Panthers since a man named Cam Newton was QB (this isn’t true). As for the Raiders, once they remember they have Devante Adams and Brock Bowers, they should be okay.
Rams 27 49ers 24: Kyle Shanahan, oof. That guys LOVES blowing leads. In a game where the 49ers led for 59 of 60 minutes (is that good?) it didn’t matter at all because Matt Stafford is the king of comebacks and game winning drives. Beautifully coined the ‘Kitchen Sink Game’ for the LA Rams, Sean McVay really had to pull out every trick and treat in his playbook to win this game. Down two starting OL and both top targets in Puka Nakua and Cooper Kupp, Matthew Stafford wasn’t left with a lot of options. Luckily for the Rams, they had 3rd year man Tutu Atwell step up. Connecting on two long balls, one on a long touchdown and the other to set up the would be game winning field goal. The 49ers were pretty injury ridden coming into this game, and it got worse as All Pro Tackle Trent Williams went down with an ankle injury. He seems to be okay, but idk, doesn’t this just feel like a year full of injuries?
NFL Quickie: Deshaun Watson sucks, Malik Nabers might be the greatest rookie WR ever and someone HAD to win this game, so congrats NY. Speaking of shit games; the Bears and Colts played, and neither wanted to win this game as AR15 made a throw 99% of QBs can’t make, then made a throw 99% of QB’s should never make, also Caleb Williams is the first rookie to throw a TD (2) this season. Will Levis continues to be the funniest player in the league (see below) and Malik Willis (270 total yards 2TDs) looks like a completely different person as he wins the revenge game over the Titans. The Lions two headed monster at RB combine for 225 yards as Dan Campbells Chicken Noodle soup recipe adds fried Cardinal to it’s list of ingredients. Saquon humbles the Saints as he runs so very angrily all over them, (shoutout Dallas Goedert for a career high 10 rec and 170 yards to seal that win). Bo Nix gets his first NFL win as he and Sean Peyton’s defense humble the OTHER ‘good’ NFC South team in Tampa Bay. Pittsburgh may have a generational defense as they hand Jim Harballs his first loss as the Chargers HC (Justin Fields is 3-0).The Hawks of the Sea welcome the injured Dolphins to the west coast & pummel them, looks like Miami will have to run the wildcat offense until Tua can remember what year it is. Falcons lose half their OL in a close one at home on Arthur Blank appreciation night, as Mahomes and the Cheeves move to 3-0.
The Fighting Illini shuck the Cornhuskers
UI 31
NU 24
Just as everyone expected, Luka Altmyer was the QB that everyone would be talking about after that game, not Dylan Raiola. Some football genius (me) told you Deucers last weekend that this cat can PLAY, and play he did. The young man threw 4 touchdowns with a completion percentage of nearly 80%, and even added some yards on the ground (what can’t this guy do??). College football Fridays have been electric so far this season, and this game didn’t disappoint. As for the other, more Mahomie quarterback, he played alright-ish. Raiola had two turnovers, one costly in the shadow of his own endzone, and one late that ended up giving Altmyer the ball with a chance to take the lead. Nebraska suffered the curse of the college kickers, as they missed two FGs in the 4th quarter, effectively sending the game to OT. Once in OT, big Brett Bielema was NOT gonna lose. The Illini immediately broke a long run to the goaline and Altmyer cleaned it up for the TD. The Cornhuskers experienced a bit of a different possession, as Raiola was sacked 3 times, ending the game.
Don’t panic Nebraska fans, year 2 of Rhule and a freshman QB screamed 3-4 losses, so you’ll be okay. Illinois on the other hand, they just might win it all.
#6 Tennessee welcomes the Sooners to the SEC with a nice spanking
UT 25
OU 15
In a homecoming for Tennessee head coach Josh Heupel, he got the best of OU and HC Brent Venables. Heupel, who led the Sooners to a National Championship in 2000, returned to Gaylord Stadium (real name you sickos) for the first time as the Vols head coach and was able to extend a warm SEC welcome to Oklahoma, forcing 3 turnovers and sacking the QB 5 times. Big name QB Nico Iamagoodqb played really well, despite only throwing the ball 21 times. He was efficient, decisive, and really good at handing the ball off, as he did that 49 times (holy shit that’s a lot of runs). OU QB Jackson Arnold, was benched mid game due to a severe case of the ‘moments-to-big-piss-down-my-legs’ – you hate to see it. Due to that, the Sooners leaned on freshman QB Michael Hawkins Jr. who actually played pretty well, finishing as their leading rusher (22 yards) and not turning the ball over. The game felt like an NFL primetime game – slow, sloppy, and way too much Kamala Harris for any single individual. Turnovers galore, a lot of running the ball, and relatively low scoring considering the projected total. Tennessee looks pretty legit but I’m not entirely sold on Nico’s ability to carry this team if the run isn’t rolling. Oklahoma is Oklahoma.
#18 Michigan throws for 32 yards and wins a game?
Yep, 32 yards. I was just as shocked as you probably are right now. I mean you (USC) clearly stopped the pass, but I guess they forgot about stopping the run? Michigan RB’s Kalel Mullings (17-159-2TDs) and Donovan Edwards (14-74-1TD) dominated this game, leaving Orji alone to watch from the back (field) the majority of the game (bonk). For the Trojans, they played well, specifically QB Miller Moss. He did have a dumb interception, but other than that he spread the field and impressed against one of the better defenses he will see (28/51, 283, 3TDs). Ultimately this came down to Michigan’s ability to dominate the trenches, and USC’s inability to stop it. The Wolverines dominated the time of possession and relied on that run game all the way down the field as Mullings scored with 37 seconds left, giving them the lead. That capped off a 10 play 89 yard drive, where they ran every.single.play. of that drive.
What does this mean? Well I shall tell you. For USC: they’re not totally dead, but they do have 2-3 more challenging games left on the schedule that they can’t really afford to lose. For Michigan: they live to fight another day, and have found the magic formula – Rip off Iowa football. I.E. be really good defensively and just run the ball 75 times a game, refusing to throw. I have no clue what to expect from them but you can’t feel great having a QB who cannot throw.
Kansas State runs into the Jewish Mormon, gets confused and loses in horrific fashion
KSU 9
BYU 38
Pictured: BYU QB Jake Retzlaff aka as the one and only Jewish (starting) QB in the FBS. No, his specific faith doesn’t matter, but yes, it is objectively awesome that a Jewish man represented a Mormon university and gave them one of the biggest home wins in recent memory. Also – this picture and shirt design is fucking great, college football is the best.
Undefeated Kansas State traveling to undefeated BYU as a touchdown favorite, what could happen? Did I watch this game? No, no I did not. Did I see that picture and feel the need to make it a dedicated recap? Who’s to say? What I DO know, is BYU is undefeated and officially Dangerous. This wasn’t just an upset win, this was a drumming, a whomping, a schlacking, some are saying it could be considered a full ‘boatrace’. The Big 12 race is going to be so fun to watch as the season progresses.
CFB Quickie: Vanderbilt sends Mizzou to OT but the college kicker phenomena strikes again and the Tigers survive 30-27. Georgia Tech is stinky and was proactively trying NOT to beat Louisville (or cover the spread), loses 31-19. Is Clemson actually good? Or is NC State just absolutely awful? Klubnik and crew scored at will, move to 2-1 with a 59-35 trouncing of the wolf pack. Arch Manning looks human, turns the ball over a few times, but Texas blows out ULM 51-3. Cam Ward throws for 4 bills and 3 TDs on USF as his Heisman campaign continues to roll 50-15. Utah holds off the Cowboys in OK St. 22-19 and I didn’t watch this game at all but Cam Rising is old and got hurt again I think.
Oh yeah, FLLLorida State won a game. Kinda forgot to mention that they beat California (no not the entire state, just the football team). If you’re a FSU fan, hang that head high baby! Back in the winners column and you just beat Cal, who beat Auburn, who only lost to Arkansas by 10 this weekend, and that same Arkansas team nearly beat Oklahoma State, and that very OK State lost to Utah, Utah who beat Baylor, who just lost to Colorado in overtime – and Colorado WILL win the national championship so essentially the Seminoles are in GREAT shape.
Here’s your featured meme – brought to you by Mr. Turner vocalizing everyone’s exact thought as soon as they heard another huge lead had been blown.
Love you guys,
TWD
