The Rose that never bloomed.
Derrick Rose, the King that never was, has officially announced his retirement from the NBA. As someone who never owned a Derrick Rose jersey or even cared about Chicago basketball at all, you’d think I would brush this off with ease. Well, you’d be wrong, dumbass. As a boy of small stature but incredible athleticism, D-Rose was my hero. He was just like me for real, with his high flying dunks and ability to get any woman he desired. It’s sad to see him go, but I’m glad he was able to continue playing after suffering numerous career ending caliber knee injuries.
It’s somehow the end of September and we are dipping our toes into the pool of conference play already. A pretty great weekend of football ahead of us, so let’s tuck it between our legs and lock in.
Sneaky good game or sneaky bad game? Dallas needed this win more than NY, after getting blown out by the Ravens last weekend. Both Dakota and Daniel started off HOT, only missing on a combined 4 passes in the first half. Dak and Ceedee Lamb connected on a 55 yard TD in the first half, giving the Boys a big lead mid 2nd quarter. Luckily for the Giants, Dallas’ defense sucks balls, so Danny Dimes and crew marched down the field before the end of the 1st half and kicked some FGs to make this a closer game.
The 2nd half was more of the same, Dallas squeezed the pill, ran the ball, and held New York to field goals, gross game. Malik Nabers is really damn good but is apparently concussed? (thoughts and prayers) and CD Lamb in the first half of games might be the best WR in football, but 2nd half CD plays like modern day Aaron Hernandez, he’s just hanging out. For the Boys, that’s 12 consecutive wins over the Giants, damn.
A big week, some would say huge, so no foreplay, let’s focus and get straight to it.
Friday Night
Virginia Tech @ #7 Miami (Miami -20.5 T: 54.5) 7:30pm on ESPN
Here is your chips and queso appetizer before the Golden Coral style buffet of games this weekend. Now, what’s great about chips and queso? Let’s look at the facts: 1. Most times you don’t ask for it, it’s provided out of courtesy (how lovely) 2. It being the pre-requisite to the main course, you indulge yet know you can’t fill up on it, as to not spoil your meal. That is this Friday night game in a nutshell. A 20.5 point Top 10 favorite welcoming a 2-2 frisky Virginia Tech team to streets of Miami. I probably won’t watch this in it’s entirety because I expect Miami QB and Heisman favorite Cam Ward to do his thing and throw for 400 yards and 3-5 touchdowns. However, for all you sickos who are looking for something to watch, this should be a fun one. VT has a good dual threat QB, Kyron Drones, who loves to throw interceptions. After losing the season opener to Vandy in an OT thriller, the Hokies could use a good win, or even a close game against a decent team (yeah, tough times). Friday night CFB has been pretty great so far this season, and I hope this game lives up to that. I salute you, the unsung hero – Chips and Queso.
Saturday – Noon
Got a lot of GOOD ones here, so take notes.
1 – #20 Oklahoma St. @ #23 Kansas State (KSU -5 T: 54.5) ESPN
2 – Kentucky @ #6 Ole Miss (MISS -18 T: 53.5) ABC/ESPN
3 – #22 BYU @ Baylor (BAY -3.5 T: 45.5) FS1
1 – Battle of the bounce backs. Hot off of losses to Utah and BYU, both of these teams are looking to preserve their top 25 rankings by grabbing their 4th win of the season this weekend. OK St. QB Alan Bowman has been pretty solid, slinging that thang around, currently ranking top 10 in passing yards a game. Meanwhile on the other side, we have KSU QB Avery Johnson, who has his moments of electricity, both good and bad. This should be a fun one and will find it’s home in one of the Noon quad box spots. Gimme the Wildcats of to take care of Boys and hell gimme the over too.
2 – Is Ole Miss legit? Can Kentucky emulate their UGA game performance in Oxford? Is Jaxson a stupid ass way to spell Jackson? I am merely a man, I don’t have all the answers, but what I do know is this game shouldn’t be too close. Ole Miss has looked like a well lubricated machine so far this season, running through the gauntlet of Middle Tennessee, Wake Forest & Georgia Southern. One thing about Lane Kiffin is he will try to score to score 100 on every team he plays, so I’m not sure how to gauge this Ole Miss team. As for Kentucky, they’re quite the opposite offensively. QB Brock Vandagriff has had a bit of a rough season, and it seems like Kentucky will only pass if it’s ABSOLUTELY necessary, so I’m sure that won’t affect their gameplan at all. Final verdict – Ole Miss wins and covers the 18 points, because Lane will likely have money on his Rebels to do so.
3 – The Mormons, led by Jewish QB Jake Retzlaff vs. the Christians, led by Catholic head coach Dave Aranda, a first century battle of the ages. BYU, coming off the big upset win over Kansas State, is finally respected and in the Top 25. The Baylor Bears on the other hand are reeling after losing in overtime to the Fighting Deions of Colorado. Despite a 2-2 start, Baylor is favored in this game….does Vegas know something I don’t? Maybe, but I will disregard that completely and lean into the Jewish Mormon hype. Give me the Cougars to win outright and move to 5-0.
Saturday – Afternoon
#15 Louisville @ #16 Notre Dame (ND -7 T: 46.5) 3:30pm on PEACOCK
Alright, one of these teams is undefeated and the other lost to Northern Illinois at home after being a 4 score favorite. Now, I’m not at liberty to disclose which team is which, but google exists, so. Anyway, the Irish are on a win streak and the offense is rolling. Louisville is fresh off a big win over Georgia Tech last weekend, but I don’t have much faith in them traveling to South Bend. I think the ND run game and aggressive defense will be enough to control the clock and limit Louisville’s possessions, give me the Irish to win and cover the 7.
#21 Oklahoma @ Auburn (OU -1 T: 45.5) 3:30pm on ABC/ESPN
Here is you weekly ‘3:30 SEC on ABC’ (RIP CBS) game. Both of these teams suck ass, so I’m not really sure how to feel about it. Oklahoma got embarrassed on prime time national television last weekend on their own field vs Tennessee, and Auburn is Auburn, they’ve sucked for years. Vegas clearly doesn’t know what to think here as they’ve basically made this game a coin flip. I think they’re aware of Auburn having magic powers in Jordan-Hare stadium so they are saving face and making this game a pickem. Oklahoma is in a bit of a QB kerfuffle as freshman QB Michael Hawkins Jr. replaced starter Jackson Arnold vs. Tennessee and impressed with his ability and poise. So I’m not sure who they’re gonna start or if they’ll run a two man (pause). Either way, I will be abstaining from making a pick in this game.
Saturday – Night
#2 Georgia @ #4 Alabama (UGA -1 T:50.5) 7:30pm on ABC/ESPN
Zooooooo weeeeeee mamaaaaaaa. Game of the year? Yeah, this might be the game of the year. The Dawgs looked like SHIT in their last game at Kentucky, and have had two weeks to think about their actions. Well, more like Kirby has had two weeks to punish them for only winning by 1 point. Bama will also be coming off a bye week, but after dismantling a piss poor Wisconsin team in their last outing, they look confident. Now, I’m not gonna sit here and regurgitate those UGA-Bama stats that every major news outlet is gonna be spewing off, because I am for the people, I am the man. Instead, I will give you my unsolicited thoughts and opinions because after all, I can do whatever the hell I want.
Georgia’s keys for success: Given the Dawgs affinity for keys, here’s hoping they pay attention to what I have to say. 1) They must establish a consistent run game. Yeah yeah I sound like every old head right now but I do believe it to be true. Georgia must effectively run the ball; whether that’s Trevor Etienne, Branson Robinson or Nate Frazier, they have to help Carson out on the ground. 2) UGA’s need outside help. No Brock Bowers or Ladd McKonkey, someone in that WR room has to step up and become Beck’s go to guy. 3) Own the line of scrimmage. More so the defensive line, by getting pressure on Milroe and eliminating the explosive plays.
Alabama’s keys for success: 1) Run the ball, and run it well. Utilize their stable of running backs and Milroe’s legs. 2) Watch the Kentucky film and realize the best defense against UGA is ball-hogging and burning clock. If you can keep that offense off the field and limit their opportunities, it will bode well for your chances. 3) Force UGA into 3rd and distance. Commit to stopping the run and making Carson Beck and these WR’s beat you. Like I mentioned earlier, the Dawgs are missing a go to guy who can be a play maker/run after the catch type of dude, so force them to beat you.
All that being said, I’m nervous, excited and aroused. My heart says the Dawgs will embrace the revenge factor and Kirby will have the boys fired up, give me UGA to win and hand Kirby a much needed win over Alabama.
#19 Illinois @ #9 Penn State (PSU -19.5 T: 47.5) 7:30pm on NBC
Really Vegas? 19.5 point favorites? Not gonna drag this one out, I LOVE Illinois here. Why have faith in Penn State? What the hell have they accomplished this season?*checks notes* OH, two enormous wins over Kent State and Bowling Green in the last month, they’re DANGEROUS. Drew Allar, is that guy any good? I don’t know man I haven’t watched a lick of PSU football this year because they haven’t played anybody worth a shit. As for Illinois, I know what I’m getting. I’m getting that rotund skin fade having head football coach Brett Bielema and his ‘win or die’ mentality. Luke Altmyer slingin that thing around, the fast defense pressuring Allar, I can see it now. Give me the Fightin Illini to cover that bigass spread and hell I think they could even win outright.
Prizepicks TD scorers of the week. Last week I went 6/8 so listen up buttercup, let’s get frisky
Bijan Robinson – Play the hits here, divisional game against the Saints
Jalen Nailor – “Who??” shutup and trust me
Bucky Irving – slowly taking over the backfield duties in Tampa Bay, he WILL score this weekend against a bad Eagles run defense
Diontae Johnson – already being called the ‘Andy Dalton merchant’ this WR is happier than anyone that Bryce Young got benched
Cam Akers – with Joe Mixon still being out (domestic abuse), give me the young man from FSU to find the endzone
Jayden Daniels – roll with the rookie eh? I think so, this cat has been purring.
The Skinny
Some games I’ll be keeping an eye on:
- Steelers vs. Colts U40.5: If Anthony Richardson has taught us anything this season, it’s that he is not afraid to send it. By that I mean send it (the ball) to the other team. Leading the NFL in turnovers (probably), he has been real Oprah-like with his decision making, ‘YOU get an interception, YOU get an interception’ and that won’t fly against this scary Pitt defense.
- Broncos +7.5 vs. Jets: Stay with me here, I know it’s gross. I’m not a huge believer in the Broncos and Bo Pix, but I just think this spread is too big. Not much else to say but I hate it.
- Commies vs. Cardinals O50: This is a lot of points but the Commanders haven’t punted or turned the ball over in 9 quarters, that’s insane. Jayden Daniels is awesome and the new Call of Duty isn’t out yet, so Kyler Murray is still Kyler Murray.
- Bills +2.5 vs. Ravens: This is a heat check game for the Bills. They looked like world beaters against the Jags, but it was the Jags so take it with a couple hundred grains of salt. This game will be awesome, but I love Josh Allen and you’re giving him points so I’m taking it (sorry Lamar I still love you bro)
Winner: The transfer portal. Boy oh boy is some shit going down. Here’s the skinny – Players around college football are exercising their independence and “utilizing their redshirt”, likely with the intention of entering the transfer portal at the end of the season. If you’re sitting there, on your porcelain throne, wondering why this is all occurring right NOW, you’re not alone. The new (ish) redshirt rules in CFB allow players to play in 3 games and still maintain their redshirt for that year, amended recently with the intention of giving players the ability to play as many years of CFB as they can. So far, we’ve seen UNLV star Quarterback Matthew Sluka and Running Back Michael Allen announce they’re sitting the remainder of the season with the intention of entering the transfer portal. Sluka is the interesting one here, as he claims he is sitting out due to “certain representations promised for his commitment that have not been fulfilled”. Basically he hired an unlicensed agent (dumbass) and was told his deal was $100k guaranteed. The UNLV collective CEO states he was never promised that, and that they were actually in discussions this week to establish a $3,000 monthly payment moving forward. I’m not sure what’s true and what’s not, but the 23 year old QB seems to be a bit too big for his britches if you ask me. What sucks for UNLV is that they are 3-0 and coming off a huge upset win over #23 Kansas last weekend.
The other player of note is USC’s defensive lineman and known gamophobic, Bear Alexander. This piece of shit has the loyalty of Judas, as he has transferred and hopped around school to school his entire life, and he is on the move yet again. With no regulations on NIL and no attachment to a governing body, it really is the Wild West out there. I hope they can establish some kind of regulatory entity or put rules in place to prevent these kinds of situations. Let the kids play man!
Loser: Tua. Tua is all over the news. If you aren’t aware, just two weeks ago, Tua Tagovailoa (Tung-my-butwhole-all-ova) suffered his 3rd very serious and scary concussion against the Buffalo Bills. All the talking heads have made his decision for him, proclaiming he should announce his retirement from Football. Well, he has other plans, as he was placed on the NFL’s injury reserve list the next day and announced he is seeking consultations from the leagues best specialists. I’m indifferent to it to be honest, I see the argument for both sides. It’s hard to sit here and say he should get back out there, knowing the consequences that could befall him if he suffers further head damage. On the flip side, he’s the only left handed QB in the league right now, so it’s kinda on him to represent that entire left-handed community, he has a greater responsibility to fulfill.
Speaking of Tua, this weeks newsletter is sponsored by the ‘Talk Tuah’ podcast, “A cozy talk show featuring lively conversations, celebrity guests, humorous anecdotes, relationship advice, sports updates, and a dash of Southern hospitality” –known fan Newt Gingrich told us earlier this week. If you’re interested in learning how to go viral and leave that sad corporate life behind, tune in and maybe one day YOU too can make a blowjob joke and gain millions of followers and financial freedom.
Whew, that was a long one.
Let’s enjoy this weekend, and all my friends down there in the south, stay dry and avoid those gale force winds perpetrated by Hurricane Helene, that bitch.
Here is your meme of the week:
Me preparing the interviewer for my imminent story about how you’re NOT allowed to leave upper deckers in the bathroom stalls, especially not in the women’s bathroom.
Love you guys,
TWD
