Well, we are officially halfway through the College Football (regular) season. Crazy, right? Remember to look yourself in the mirror, take a step back, blow yourself a kiss and be thankful that you exist at the same time as Mark Knopfler. If you’re sitting there asking who that is, first of all, shame on you. Second, give ole Mark a google and enjoy the man and his gift. I have a lingering feeling he or his slightly well known band will be making an appearance on my Spotify wrapped next month.
Anyway, hope you guys (and gals, sup ladies?) had a great week increasing shareholder value (No? Just me?), because it’s Friday baby. Now, either pretend like you’re checking your email or making your routine offer to the porcelain throne, and read along as we see what’s ahead of this this weekend.
Hand up – I did not watch this game. Let me check the boxscore though, I’ll be right back.
So both Cooper Kupp and Puka Nacua are BACK, how convenient and timely. Matty Stafford threw for 280 & 4TDs (hell yeah), Kyren Williams added 97 and a score on the ground, and Koopa Nacua combined for 160 yards and a TD. Crazy how much more explosive an offense can be when they get their top two WRs back from injury at the same time, eh? My red haired homie Samuel Darnold played pretty well, aside from the painful looking safety he suffered (see above) – posting an efficient 240 yards, 2 TDs & completing 72% of his passes. Even Justin Jefferson did his thing (8-115) but it wasn’t enough as the 3 headed monster of Kupp, Nacua and Kyren lifted the McVay offense back to it’s full potential. The Vikings fall for the second straight game (5-2) and the Rams (3-4) have officially re-entered ‘Frisky Fun’ territory with the return of their playmakers.
Friday – Night
#17 Boise State @ UNLV (BOIS -3.5 T: 64.5) 10:30pm on CBSSN
Few things here – 1) this game is on way too damn late, Boise State is FOR the people, let us watch our sweet prince Ashton Jeanty at a reasonable hour of the night. 2) CBS Sports Network? Really? I understand that it’s 2 Mountain West teams but get your head out of your ass here. The current Heisman favorite playing on a Friday night against a team they are tied with for 1st in the conference, and we get the CBS Sports Network treatment? Disgraceful, disgusting, and disrespectful.
Even still, since I am a true CFB fan (not an addict), I’ll stay up and watch as much of this game as I can. The young aforementioned man, most recently coined “The Boogeyman”, Ashton Jeanty, will likely run for another 200 yards and 3 TDs. Here is a crazy stat for you – he currently has 126 carries for 1248 yards and 17 TDs… through 6 games (2 in which he sat out the entire 2nd half).
If you accidentally take some adderall or get into some of Lane Kiffin’s “Go-Go Powder” and are having trouble falling asleep, throw on this game and enjoy. I’ve got the Broncos stampeding all over the Rebels here and covering to take the reigns of the Mountain West.
Saturday – Noon
#12 Notre Dame @ #24 Navy (ND -14 T: 51.5) Noon on ABC
Embrace debate – is it considered unpatriotic if Notre Dame beats an undefeated service academy? I think so.
You’ve got these young men seamen running with 4 fellas in the backfield absolutely giving the business to any foe that dares come aboard. The offense is purring like a well oiled vessel, averaging just under 45 points a game and 275 rushing yards a game. The Midshipmen are led by QB Blake Horvath, the Hilliard Ohio native who has been playing like a true sailor. The dual threat QB has been averaging 250 yards of offense a game – 120 on the ground and 130 through the air.
The Irish are looking to pick up another much needed ranked win, to go with their one over Texas A&M to open the season. That win is aging like fine wine, as it seems the Aggies have found some of that ever elusive magic that one Johnathan Football had in abundance just a few years ago. Fresh off a win over Georgia Tech, the Irish are rolling. QB Riley Leonard has scored a rushing TD in like 8 straight games, and despite the defense losing CB Benjamin Morrison, they have continued to be impressive.
A -14 point spread is tricky, and with this game being a ‘neutral site’ game at Metlife Stadium, I guess they didn’t factor in any sort of home field advantage. Back to the spread, it’s kinda like when you pass a handicap spot in a completely packed parking lot – you don’t wanna take it at first glance but after you think about it long enough, you say fuck it and just make it someone else’s problem. With that being said, I like the Irish to cover.
Washington @ #13 Indiana (IU -6.5 T: 54.5) Noon on Big Ten Network
“Watch out! This is a trap game! The Hoosiers are due for a stinker!” Nah, I do not think so. If this were a night game in Washington, I’d be weary, but Coach Cignetti will have these boys ready to roll.
Not too much to preview here, I’ve seen enough Will Rogers in my day to know how this will go. He’s gonna be throwing check downs and move the offense down the field a few times until he ultimately throws some costly and untimely interceptions. To give the Huskies some credit, they do have the talent to make this game close, so I think there is a chance we could see something interesting.
The kicker in this game, no not the actual kicker, the metaphorical kicker, is that Indiana QB Kurtis Rourke is out with an injury. He has been ruled out with a right thumb injury and will be replaced by former Tennessee QB Tayven Johnson. The 3rd year transfer is more than capable of taking over this offense, as we saw last weekend when he posted a 7/8 for 90 yards & 2 TDs 2nd half in the ass-kicking of Nebraska. This is one Johnson that I am willing to fully get behind (pause), and for that reason give me the Hoosiers to win, cover, and remain undefeated.
Saturday – Afternoon
#20 Illinois @ #1 Oregon (DUCKS – 22 T: 54.5) 3:30pm on CBS
Is it bad that I think Illinois will not only cover the spread but also keep this within one score? It could be the delusion talking, or my incredible ability to smell a potential upset, but I’ve got faith in the Illini this weekend.
Now for the sake of my Deucers out there that may be suffering from anosmia (look it up), let me break it down for you. Oregon is obviously a wagon – #1 in the country, one of the best wins of the year so far, and led by a Heisman caliber QB. All that being said, I could talk about this being a prime let down spot for them against a frisky team, but I won’t even bother to mention it. Dan Lanning has this Oregon program looking like a machine, and a 3 score spread against a Top 20 team may look disrespectful, but he has covered the spread in 5 games this year (shoutout Dan).
Considering all of that, my delusion will not allow me in good faith to pick Oregon to cover here, so do I take the over? Do I take Illinois to cover? Win outright? Hmmm, choices – for my people out there, my pick is Illinois to cover and I will personally be sprinkling a little bit on them to win outright, but I would advise against that. Something about this Illini team enamors me in a way that only a mysterious tattooed brunette named Heather has done before (Heather I miss you, please call me back)
#21 Missouri @ #15 Alabama (BAMA -16.5 T: 51.5) 3:30pm on ABC
Ew. Gross game. Both of these teams are ranked but should they be? Yeah, probably, but it still doesn’t feel right. Bama is yet to beat a team in the state of Tennessee, Missouri looks like shitttttt but someone has to win this. Not gonna say this game will good, bad, ugly, or even fun to watch but it’s at Bama and boy does DeBoer need a win like a drowning man needs air. Pretty big spread in this one, and I don’t know the health of Mizzou QB Brady Cook, nor will I google it, so gonna take Bama to bounce back and cover. I hate this pick but I’m doing it anyway, so ya know, grain of salt.
#5 Texas @ #25 Vanderbilt (TEX -18.5 T: 51.5) 4:15pm on SEC Network
Trap game? Well, perchance.
The Longhorns are probably still a bit shell shocked after that home loss to the Dawgs last weekend, but they better shake it off because Vandy is on deck. The Commodores are no stranger to playing spoiler, as everyone and their mother remembers the Alabama game just a few weeks ago. Personally, I’ve been saying this for years, so maybe I am just so incredibly ahead of the curve, but FirstBank Stadium (definitely did not need to google that) is one of the toughest places to play in all of College Football. They wisely allow the visiting teams fans to fill out 90% of the stadium, to hoodwink them into a sense of comfortability and false confidence. Then, the Dores drop anchor and heave ho(e) until the visiting team is surrounded by more seamen than a ya mum on a Naval Vessel.
I think Sark and company dust themselves off and win this can’t-lose game, but that spread is tricky. Vandy is frisky, but do they have any gas left in the tank? Maybe, if anything though I trust Diego Pavia to play like this is his last day on Earth, and I think the Dores put up some points. Serve me the over on this one, on a nice shiny platter por favor.
Saturday – Night
A few good ones here but I don’t feel like writing long previews so let’s just peek at them –
#11 BYU @ UCF (UCF -2 T: 53.5) 3:30pm on ESPN – undefeated BYU had a scare last weekend (as I predicted, nbd) but were able to evade a loss and remain undefeated. Emotional win and now a tough road game… against a team who’s lost 4 straight.. and they’re dogs?? I think UCF is getting too much credit for ALMOST beating Iowa State last weekend. Don’t overthink it – back the Jewish Mormon until he lets me down. Cougars win outright
#3 Penn St. @ Wisconsin (PSU -6.5 T: 47.5) 7:30pm on NBC (The COCK) – sneaky good game, can the Badgers pull it off? Idk, I am not picking this one.
#8 LSU @ #14 Texas A&M (PICK’EM T: 54.5) 7:30pm on ABC – you’re guess is as good as mine here. This one probably deserves a full write up since my boss is on PTO, I’ll be brief. As the line suggests, this is a coin flip. A night game where the 12th man (often referred to as Judas) will be there harassing the former head of Catholics as he leads his Tigers to battle. My gut says trust the team with the better QB, and that is LSU. I am a big fan of Garrett Nussmeier and I think he’s sneakily one of the best QB’s in this upcoming draft class. I will likely eat those words but hey, who cares? Tigers win.
FLLLLLLorida State @ #6 Miami (THE U -21 T: 54.5) 7pm on ESPN – The Seminoles have a chance to do the funniest thing ever. In state rivalries used to mean something, and as much as I thoroughly enjoy adding ‘Ls’ to their name every week, I would sacrifice that pleasure for a hilarious upset here. No pick but hopefully chaos
PrizePicks TD Scorers are brought to you by Dude Wipes.
If there’s anyone who knows a thing or two about getting in the trenches & getting their butts in the (end) zone, it’s Dude Wipes.
Tee Higgins – this Eagles secondary is suspect, they’re gonna be worried about the wrong cat this weekend.
Derrick Henry – ride this Tractorcito until the wheels fall off baby
Bijan Robinson – divisional game, Bucs on short rest, devastated with injury, nuff said. He goes for 100+ & scores
David Montgomery – the streak may be over, but that makes me feel even better about him scoring this weekend
Josh Allen – the beef cake himself. He loves to throw that body around like he’s prime Shaq
Jordan Mason – after a few scoreless weeks, do not fret friends, I’ve received the call from Vegas. He will score
Quick Picks – 49ers -4.5, Buffalo v. Seattle o46, Falcons -2.5, Eagles +3, Packers -4, Panthers +10.5
Winner: The NBA, welcome back. For the next 9 months we get to forget the season is actually going on and then wake up one day in April (after the Masters) and say “Ohh shit!! Let me check in on my team, I didn’t even realize the season had started”. Anyway, the long journey starts now as the Celtics look to the Luck of the Irish to defend their title from the following threats: the Mavericks and their Magic Man, an Ant and his pack of Wolves, the Greek God and his Bucks, The Equestrian Jester of Denver, the Slim Reaper and his Book of death, the Old King and his Unibrow, Playoff P and his load managed Troll, an armed Grizzly, and many more. We have a long season ahead, but I will do my damnedest to keep my Deucers in the know.
Loser: the corporate man with regular bowel movements. For too long I have been silent on this front, and frankly I’ve had enough. There are few things more anxiety inducing and frustrating than pooping at work. In my expert opinion, your experience on the porcelain throne is supposed to be a relaxing, efficient, physically relieving and most important PRIVATE. Unfortunately, in these corporate hellscapes they call ‘offices’, the restrooms evoke such indignations that would light a fire under even the most mild tempered individual. First of all, what the hell is with the 3 inch gap between the door and the sign paneling? Did the designer have too many creative liberties? Why even let that pervert put a gap in between? Actually, you know what… maybe I’m too quick to judge… now that I think about it, I really do enjoy making strange eye contact with nearly every person who walks in the bathroom while I’m blowing mud. Second, can we get some elevator music pumped in? Just in the background, on a medium low volume or something. I don’t need to hear Horace from Accounting grunting and moaning as he’s battling his demons and paying for his sins of having a beefy 3 layer Taco Bell burrito for breakfast. We as a collective mass need to come together and figure this shit situation out.
Meme of the week is brought to you by Macallan 1936 – the official Single Malt Scotch Whisky of the Spanish Civil War.
Love you guys,
TWD
